Preparing to Leave

According to the band REM, leaving New York is never easy. Well, apparently neither is leaving Jerusalem.

I admit, the last two weeks, I've been counting down the days until I head home. This is absolutely no reflection on how much I've enjoyed my time in Israel-Palestine, appreciated the exposure I've gained, recognized growth in depth of my own spirituality or cherished the people I've encountered.

The reality, as I've written before, is that Jerusalem is a difficult place to live, particularly for a woman. You have to sort of put a 'game face' on, which allows you to face the glaring cultural and gender differences, not to mention political sensitivities of the region. Clearly after a mere three months here, I am still an outsider. But I could spend five years or twenty years here, and still be considered an outsider in this place. Add to this, you walk this journey on your own. You meet people who join you along the way, but the bulk of the journey is yours and yours alone. Despite the joys and excitement of being here, these things wear on you.

I found I could keep my 'game face' on partly because I knew the timeframe within which I was staying. But as the reality of heading home to familiar faces of friends and family drew closer, I knew that game face was starting slip off. I could catch myself already thinking of sitting at the cottage relaxing in a tank top (shocking!) and questiong how I will possibly do justice in my story-telling to the experience I've had here.

And then, something surprising. Wednesday afternoon, Fr. Bob and I finished writing my evaluation for the internship. With the last signature in place, my internship was 'officially' over. And it hit me:

Heading home means leaving Jerusalem. It means this journey is over.

I was gobsmacked by the mix of emotions that washed over me this week. And rather than rushing around trying to "fit in" the last couple of sites I didn't see, I've spent my last two days talking with and visiting friends and colleagues; walking slowly through the Old City and revisitng sites I've loved, considering how different my impresion of the people and the city is now compared to when I arrived. I've re-read my blog entries to reflect on all I've done and seen. I've tried to freezeframe the images into my brain, knowing full well my pictures and my memory will play tricks on me in time.

Leaving Jerusalem is proving more difficult than I anticipated a week ago.